Last week I was in Boston with my parents. At the end of the trip, we were pulling into the rental car place before heading to the airport. As we drove through the parking lot, a guy who was walking toward the main building meandered in front of our car. It seemed like he hadn’t noticed us, and was taking his sweet time. My mom made a snide comment about how slow he was walking. This was noteworthy to me only because, not ten minutes earlier, I had watched my mom do the exact same thing to another driver when we were parked at a gas station.
My mom is a friendly, warm, and highly intelligent person (I love you mom!). I bring this story up only as an example, because I think we’re all guilty of doing the same thing. We all think everyone else is the asshole. No one thinks they’re the asshole.
Of course there’s the obvious type of asshole – the guy (or gal) who, usually due to narcissism and entitlement, goes around treating people like dirt on a regular basis. Then there’s the unintentional asshole – the person who’s generally nice and means well, but makes the mistake of not paying attention and therefore does things (unintentionally) that end up being frustrating and rude to other people.
Makes sense, right? You’re probably chuckling to yourself right now thinking about some guy you know who’s totally an asshole and doesn’t know it. But I’m not talking about some guy. I’m talking about YOU.
If you’re the intentional kind of asshole, there’s not too much I can do for you. You need to see a shrink much smarter and more patient than me to work on your raging narcissistic personality disorder. But if you’re like me or most people out there, you’re a regular person who’s not immune from acting like a jerk from time to time. So what’s the average asshole to do?
Ignore the Rules, and Follow the Concept
I’m guessing you could rattle off a whole list of pet peeves you have about other people. Lord knows I could.
Maybe you think people should drive faster, drive slower, walk on the right, not take up all that space on the airplane, say “excuse me” when they bump into you, use their turn signals, and not cut you off, damnit.
On and on and on.
The problem is that everyone’s rules are different. One person’s “cutting me off,” is another person’s “changing lanes.” Expecting everyone else to conform to your rules is a losing battle. We go around getting frustrated and frustrating other people. Sounds like a lot of unnecessary frustration to me.
You could spend 100 pages writing down all the rules people should follow and it would still be missing the point, because it’s the concept that’s important, not all these individual rules. The concept is actually straight-forward:
- Be aware of yourself and your behavior, and avoid asshole-like actions.
- Be forgiving when someone else is an asshole, because they probably didn’t mean it the way you think they did.
This means spending less time paying attention to all the annoying things everyone else does and more time paying attention to all the annoying things YOU do.
Start Paying Attention, Right Now
So much of the problem could be solved by the simple act of paying attention. Sometimes I think people go through their lives like marbles bouncing off other marbles. They react. They don’t think.
But we’re not marbles. Or even just animals, for that matter. We’re human beings, and we have a whole host of higher cortical functions available for our use, should we so choose to take advantage of them.
So pay attention to yourself, the position of your body in space, your words, your affect and your intention. Don’t live in a constant state of fear about how others perceive you, but don’t be oblivious, either. When you’re speaking, pay attention. When you’re walking, pay attention. When you’re driving, for the love of god please pay attention.
On the other hand, don’t sit there smugly, thinking that whenever someone makes the mistake of not paying attention, or of not following some imaginary rule you’ve created about how people should act, you have the right to unleash your wrath.
Be Forgiving, Not Assuming
When you’re impatient and immediately assume the worst of people, you’re also being an asshole. There are a lot of reasons why people do small annoying things. They’re tired. They’re in a hurry. They didn’t realize they were doing it. You probably do annoying things for the same reasons.
If you have a gut reaction to be rude or respond to someone with anger, take a second to think about why. Who is this person? What’s their motivation? Did that guy on the freeway really mean to cut you off? Is that women from the customer service call center single-handedly responsible for the lack of in-flight meal options the last time your flew United?
So when someone’s an asshole, don’t automatically yell, condescend, lay on your horn, or express your anger in some other asshole-like way. Interrupt your visceral reaction of annoyance and respond thoughtfully. Remember that sophisticated brain you have – use it. I can almost guarantee you’ve acted in a similar way at some point in your life, and you probably weren’t as hard on yourself as you’re being on the other person.
It’s okay to have standards for others, but have higher standards for yourself. Pay less attention to others, and more attention to yourself.
So to sum it up:
Pay attention. Slow down, because you’re much more likely to be an asshole if you’re in a hurry. Practice using your brain instead of your gut. Follow your own rules, but don’t expect other people to follow your rules. If a person does something to annoy you, think first if you’ve ever done something similar. If you have, let it go. If you haven’t, let it go too – they probably didn’t mean it. Oh, and use your turn signal 😉
Bravo! Haha very funny post. I like the picture. It goes so well with the title. 🙂 I am the unintentional type. Would like to be aware. I really like your point about being forgiving and understanding! This blog post should be in the DMV handbook! 😀
Recently my attending (who is very nice) was talking about how he had a bad habit of unintentionally stealing med student pens. 😉 I got mine back though. Yay! 😀
Thanks Joyce! I think almost all of us have good intentions but are occasionally unintentional assholes. I wish this or something similar were in the DMV handbook too 🙂
Glad you got your pen back! Haha.
Today I went somewhere with a friend of mine, he hadn’t been to the area I live in before so I texted him my address which he showed to the taxi driver, who “purposely” couldn’t find my apartment. I’d spoken to him on the phone & when he said they were close to the building, I told him him that I was coming out, but instead he drove to another area. When I eventually got into the car I unleashed my wrath.
Later, I took my computer to be fixed. When I got home I discovered that not only did the technician install a new web browser like he said he would, he deleted the one I was using, along with all the bookmarks I’d saved, some of which are for my thesis. I’d made up my mind to go there tomorrow & let all hell break loose, & inform him just how incompetent he is. Now I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t be an asshole myself.
Hey Idara, sounds like the taxi driver might have been trying to scam you guys, which is definitely frustrating and also intentional. It’s possible though that he really was lost or confused about the directions. As for the computer guy it sounds like what he did was probably an accident or a misunderstanding of your instructions, since I can’t think of a reason why he’d purposely want to delete necessary files from your computer.
I find it’s better to give people the benefit of the doubt – not just for the other person, but for yourself, because it can be stressful to hold onto the resentment and anger that comes from being upset with someone.
Great post, Elana! Your straight forward concepts in 2 points are right on. Thanks!
Glad you liked it Marianne! Thanks for your comment 🙂
Hey Elana! It’s Kelly, I have to set up my new Gravatar (in case you don’t see it yet). This is such a great post. My brother did the same thing, he has a bit of road rage… complaining about how people don’t hit the gas pedal exactly when the green light hits. And the next light, he did exactly the same thing. *facepalm* If only all of us could be more zen!
Thanks Kelly! That’s so funny about your brother, and it’s crazy how often people get mad about one thing and then do it themselves, especially when driving. I see people do stuff like that all the time. I think if we were just better at noticing our own mistakes it would make us 100x more zen when we see other people’s mistakes.
Hello and thankyou!
My housemate who is a girl has got a new boyfriend (dudex) and he has been spending more and more time at our house, and he is a pretty cool guy, but for some reason he makes me fume and i cannot seem to get over it even though i cannot identify any specific things that should really be causing me to become so upset.
It just seems to be little things, like last night they were lying on the couch in the living room (this probably makes me sound like the asshole, but the couch is mine, the tv is mine, and the sound system is mine) and didn’t offer to move so no probs, i just sit on a different chair from the dining table, and then later i had dinner and they were sitting there eating as well with dudex taking up 1.5 seats so i sat down in the remaining 0.5 seat and said, (being a bit of a smart arse) “sorry dudex, didnt mean to make you uncomfortable” and hes like “nah of course! no problem mate” but then takes a good half a minute to actually move over, like he just wants me to know that he is the boss? And then later on they were lying down in there and i just asked can you guys move over and he didn’t really pay any attention but Jorja (my housemate) had to be “oi dudex” and then he gets up and says “oh i might go to bed now” and in retrospect it makes me think he is acting like the only reason he is moving is not because he was asked, but because he is ready to move- his last little victory.
He has also made me feel self-conscious all the time about the stuff i watch on tv or the video games i might play, its always “oh i don’t know how you can watch this stuff, mate” or even just a little polite laugh at it etc. It really seems to me like he is being snide but framing it in a polite way about it so i can’t really get upset about it? I guess that is why he annoys me so very much…
Anyway i have been unable to get over it all morning until i read your post and thought about all the times that my friends were over and we would take up all the living room, kitchen etc.and Jorja (who is the only girl in the house) would just go hang out in her room. I mean we were happy to share, but at the same time she probably wasn’t comfortable with all these dudes who she didn’t know very well. Who knows, maybe she has spoken about these situations to dudex and so he has taken it upon himself to balance things out.
I just wanted to say thankyou because your little philosophy here made me feel 100% better :). Who knows, maybe i am being the asshole and he is responding to me?
Either way i need to stop paying attention and be forgiving for whatever slight i think he has done to me.
cheers!
Hey Marty, glad you found the post helpful! I find that when I think about times I may have been an asshole, it makes me a lot more forgiving and understanding of others who do asshole-like things because it makes you realize that we’re all human beings and no one is perfect. Really happy it help you deal with the situation with your house guest a little better!
It also wouldn’t hurt to assert yourself and let him know exactly how you feel, it sounds like he doesn’t know what he is doing. You have a right to your things and your feelings, and taking a passive aggressive approach won’t help the situation. You can be assertive without being an asshole.
Hi Elena,
I love this post. It so resonates with me. One of my pet peeves are people who say “you’re welcome” in a condescending way when I have forgotten an expected courtesy or thank you. For example I recently didn’t say thank you when someone held a door open for me. When that person “reminded” me of that infraction by an aggressive “your welcome” I felt so terrible. I felt guilty for the rest of the day and thought about it for weeks after. The truth is I always try to remember my thank yous but that day my mind was on something else. Something had happened in my life that was distracting me from the moment. People have a lot going on. Lives are complicated. Stuff gets in the way. I try to remember that its almost never personal. k
Not laying on the gas the minute that light changes to green is not assholery: it is defensive driving. You look in all directions when the light changes, to prevent a collision with a car running a yellow or red light.
In a nation where every second or third driver is preoccupied with phone or text, this extra second or two could save your life, health, or financial stability.
This is a wonderfully illuminating post. Thank you. I particularly find your two points summarizing the concept here. As Richard Rohr says, “The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better.” Please accept my appreciation for showing me a valuable way to get closer to living that way.
what did the one chair say to the other chair? Oh look, ghere comes another asshole!! lol if this joke did not tickle you you may bean asshole