“It is said that soon after his enlightenment, the Buddha passed a man on the road who was struck by the extraordinary radiance and peacefulness of his presence. The man stopped and asked, “My friend, what are you? Are you a celestial being or a God?”
“No,” said the Buddha.
“Well, then, are you some sort of magician or wizard?”
Again the Buddha answered, “No.”
“Are you a man?”
“No.”
“Well my friend, what are you then?”
“I am awake.”
– Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield, Seeking the Heart of Wisdom
About a year before I got lymphoma, I had a strange dream. In this dream I became sick with a terminal illness and had only a short period of time before I was going to die (incidentally I wrote about this experience only a few months before I was diagnosed). As the end approached I went from feeling incredulous, to terrified, to inconsolably sad.
Much of my life for these last few years has been like this dream. On December 17, 2013 I fell asleep in one world when I walked into the ER at UCLA, and when I left a few hours later with the diagnosis of cancer I had opened my eyes in an entirely different one.
Since then I have done the best I could to adjust to my new reality (some days more successfully than others). But there has always been a part of me that didn’t believe it was real—a part of me that thought at any moment I might wake up from the nightmare. Some days I would press my eyes closed as tight as I could, and I would put my hands on my chest, and I would whisper, Go away tumor. You are not wanted here.
I said it quietly, but with such force of conviction I would be confused when I opened my eyes and it was still there. There were moments I wanted to be better so badly I was surprised I could not cure my cancer with the sheer force of my will. It was utter humbling to want something like that with every fiber of my being and not be able to have it.
When effort didn’t cure me, I started to bargain. I promised myself that if it ended I would never make another mistake, I would never again be unkind, I would never again fail to appreciate the simple pleasures I so arrogantly took for granted before.
When that didn’t work, and I became desperate enough, I started to wonder whom I would give my burden to if it were possible for someone else to carry it—a stranger? A friend? My own family? (After a certain point, the answer was anyone—I would have given my illness to anyone if it would have given me even one moment of relief). And when those fantasies passed, I settled into a routine of learned hopelessness and despair. There was nothing left to believe but that the problem was me, because how could the universe give such suffering to a person—with no remedy or escape—unless she caused it, unless she deserved it?
The problem these last few months has not been the depth of the pain, but rather its persistence. When you feel so bad for so long, you start to wonder if you ever felt differently. My past life felt like such a distant memory I started to doubt I had ever felt well. I worried I was holding onto a fantasy. All I could remember was the dream.
But then… miracle of miracles! For no overt reason I can understand, last week I woke up and for the first time in months felt like a relatively normal human being. The dense fog in my brain had lifted. The fatigue and pain in my body had almost disappeared. My eyes sharpened into focus. I had woken up.
I share this with you partially for selfish reasons—I’ll be on maintenance chemotherapy for the rest of this year, and I suspect I’ll soon start feeling sick again and once more forget it’s possible to feel as good as I do now, and when that happens, I hope you will remind me.
But I also tell this story to reassure you that no bad thing will last forever. There are many days I’ve wanted to hurl myself off the nearest building rather than live one more day feeling so utterly trapped. But truthfully, while I hope the worst is over, I would do it again if I could know with certainty there was a light at then end of the tunnel as bright as the one I see now.
(It is the contrast between these inevitable highs and lows that makes life so interesting, anyway).
When I had that dream I was dying, I will never forget how I felt when I reached the end. Suddenly I no longer felt sad or scared—I was curious. I was about to come out of the tunnel and see the light.
In that last moment, I lied down and felt the energy drain out of my body. I signed out my last breath. My eyes fluttered closed. I felt a sense of total peace; there was no reason left to be afraid.
Then, suddenly, my eyes snapped open. I blinked a few times, confused. I gripped the sheets and sucked in a breath of air. For a moment I was not sure where I was or what had happened. Then the room sharpened into focus. I had woken up.
Right now, I feel like I did when I emerged from that dream.
The feeling will probably be brief, and any day, I may slip into the dream again. But at this moment, I will tell you, I am here, and I am alive. I am awake. And it feels really fucking good.
***
Photo by hans van den berg
You are amazing, Elana. Thank you for your beautiful writing. Whenever I receive one of your posts I am always so excited because of how much it brightens my day. You are one of the most “awake” people I know. I so appreciate your insights.
The honesty and openness you offer in sharing your story is without parallel.
There’s no doubt whatsoever that in sharing your highs, lows, fears and most innermost thoughts-which few do, you are helping many others.
Keep being you….
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been following your journey through your blog. I really needs this today. My 37 y.o. friend Aaron died a little over a month ago (probable suicide and relapse into his addiction). He was the most kind-hearted, most gentle human being. I’ve cried almost every day since he passed. His memorial service was in SF this Sunday. I got to fly in from Oklahoma to attend. I wish….well, I just wish…a lot of things. I know your suffering and Aaron’s and his boyfriend’s and his family’s and friend’s and mine can’t be compared, but only shared. Thanks for sharing and reminding us that we won’t feel like this forever.
Hi Elana! Very nice to read you, and very glad you’re awake. Sounds like a beautiful feeling, and somehow, one we would not know about it we hadn’t seen/experienced dark. Good luck with your treatment in the months ahead, and I hope you will continue to write and share your experiences.
Hugs from San Diego!
Marlene E.
Please believe me when I say I understand. Or almost understand. On March 11th 2013 we walked into the ER at Maine Medical Center with my sweet child and our lives have never been the same since….sometimes I get a glimpse of the “not cancer land” we use to live in….sometimes. I am promised that it is out there for us and that someday we will find it again. But I also know that cancer has left indelible marks on my soul. The things I’ve witnessed, the terrors and grief and pain and suffering…have changed me and I will never be the same again…even after cancer is just a memory. Maintenance for my son has been a blessing……after his frontline chemo where everything that could go wrong …..did……he has had a remarkably “normal” time. His last chemo is July 9th, 2016. We have been following your journey since the beginning Elana and cheering you on. Sending light and love and hope that Maintenance will be kind to you as well.
it’s often a challenge to imagine that you can possibly feel different than you do, especially when you’re not doing well (and sometimes when you are). I know this from personal experience.
but then, lo and behold, you do.
glad to hear you’re feeling normal again.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t have cancer but am battling motor neuron disease which is predominantly affecting my upper motor neurons (so not ALS but similar). It’s been so hard to come to grips with the fact that nothing will stop the progression of this although the symptoms are treatable, and I have to continually adjust as I continue to deteriorate. I’m terrified. I hate it. I’ve moved past denial and part of me accepts it; the rest of me vacillates between fighting on and longing for the fight to be over. You sharing your experience has helped me face my own.
Love You & Huge {{{{HUGS}}}}
Namaste’
<3
Deb
Welcome back, dear one. Yu have been in my thoughts. Beaming you a painless re-entry.
Much love and peace from Minnesota.
Barb
You are such an inspirational woman. Some of your remarks are consistent with those of us who are in bereavement. As though the events of the past are surreal; the happy times were a dream. God bless.
In the depth of your suffering just know that there is a community of people,sending you love and healing. There’s no way for you to measure how you have touched other peoples lives. I can simply say having lived with somebody I love who has experience the depths of cancer your words have great meaning,,
Be well.
Lori
Good morning!!! What a beautiful day, what a beautiful being. Thank you.
I so admire your raw and beautiful writing. My heart is warmed knowing that you are “awake” And today I thank you for sharing and reminding us to be awake. It has been 15 years since my cancer diagnosis at 36. I had a year of treatment then a break for year where I was just so happy to be alive and be able to raise my children who were 1 and 3, and then more surgeries with complications but I’m still here. I read your blog today after returning from a college visit with my 18 year old son. I am so thankful to the universe for the gift of sending this fine young man off to college soon and thankful your blog came to my inbox today. I’ve kept journals for many years and after reading your post today I was brought back to that feeling you described so well. When will I feel good again? Will I ever feel good again? Did I really live so carefree in my life before cancer? What was a day in my life like before all this pain and disease ? If I was strong enough couldn’t I just heal myself? And then I wake up one day a realize I feel okay, in fact better than okay. So okay that I rejoin the living, rejoice in the everyday and days become months and soon years. My children have grown up with “cancer”‘in their lives. I see them for who they are and how different and unique they are among peers. They are kind, caring, insightful, thankful,!mindful and giving young people. And they are TEENAGERS! Maybe that’s the best thing that came from all of this. My husband and I have raised two people who will go into the world shaped and sensitive to the experiences of having a mother, a grandmother and an aunt who have all struggled with cancer. They were present when my mother took her last breath, an experience so moving, so life shaping that sometimes I have to read my journals of that day to truly recapture the breadth of those moments Today I am healthy and rejoice in that. At 51 I think I’m still young 🙂 though honestly I can say that I’ve had a blessed life., I’ve had a good run. Sending healing thoughts to you. Thank you for
sharing your journey, xo
Dearest Alana, been wondering where you were and now I know you were in dreamland. I relate so much to what you say. After making it through Breast cancer treatment from Feb. 2013 to April 2014, I thought I woke up. Was feeling so good and doing things that made my heart sing. This summer, I started to have symptoms I thought were metasteses. Thankfully, no Cancer. Sadly, multiple sclerosis. And while I was a good trooper through Cancer, I’m currently living a nightmare, wondering how this will go, and dealing with the firing of an uncaring, disorganized doctor. When do I get to wake up? Why in the world is this happening to me?
Glad to hear you’re doing well, Elana. Best wishes on your maintenance chemo. It’s great to hear from you again.
Glad to hear from you and glad you are doing well. I was getting worried there for a bit because of the silence. 🙂
Dear Elana,
You have been on my mind, wondering how you are, hoping for the best. Life is so painful and difficult at times. And then there are times of awakening. I pray for you that this awakening blossoms as spring creeps upon us. Blessings to you, sweet, strong lady.
Kathleen
Welcome back Elana. I missed you. Thank you for sharing your journey. With love and peace.
Elena, thank you for your clear writing on cancer. You speak our mind, how this illness stirs our wish to be powerful enough to beat it, and how we have to lean into the reality of it all over and over again. From the vaster space of our heart and being, knowing cancer defines only a part of us. Wishing you so much all the very best. With daffodil blossoms from Holland…
Welcome back Elana, you wake us up, you ROCK.
John 9 New International Version (NIV)
You asked this question
“John 9New International Version (NIV)
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.
You ask ” how could the universe give such suffering to a
person—with no remedy or escape—unless she caused it, unless she deserved it?
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.
I will pray for you …….. courage and peace
Oh, to read some describe that moment when the fog clears for however long…that sharp intake of fresh breath, that understanding that what we fear is nothing to fear. Peace and faith and strength and JOY be with you.
I was just thinking about you the other day and woke up to a prompt in my email about your new post. It is great to read from you and to know you are currently in high spirits. Praying for you and sending positive vibes your way.
Thank you so much…it’s clear that many of us have been thinking about you. And I am happy to spread the word a bit in my own blog, bikiniwaxchronicles.com
best wishes,
Thank you for sharing, as always! I, too, get excited to read your posts. I wish you only the best!
Dear Elana,
You are an inspiration. A reminder of the power of staying present – to whatever arises.
Thank you for continuing to share and support so many through your writing.
Peace, strength and love to you~
Always so happy when I see your email in my inbox. Thank you so much for these words and to remind us to persist no matter what.
Lots of love!!
Thank you for your beautiful words! Every article I say to my self “exactly”, you express everything I feel so eloquently!
Best of days ahead!
Dear Elana, you have exemplary courage. Many others have commented on it. I can see there are few others who too battle their own ill health courageously, some thanks to your bravery. I decided to try and be of help to all of such people with a bit of a different type of message. Please excuse its detailed narration, as it must be said in that manner for easy comprehension. Good luck to all!
“Fear, despair, anguish, distress, anger . . . the list of such words can go on. Whatever the word, the emotion it burns through our heart & mind are painful and negative. Remember, these painful and negative emotions originally did not live in our heart or mind. They came in only subsequently – yes, owing to some unexpected reason/cause. And, at an unwanted time in our life too. Always remember, originally these painful emotions were not there. Because, that unexpected reason too wasn’t there. So, these negative emotions and its reason are all alien to the normal condition of our heart and mind. Ok. Because its painful and negative we do not want them in our heart or mind. Then, if we don’t want them, why do they remain in our heart and mind? Its only because we ourselves allow them to remain there, isn’t it?. Do we understand that if we don’t want something we should not hold on to that something? Why don’t we let go of that something. Or, why can’t we let go of that something? Oh! you are correct – the reason/cause still remains. But what about the emotion – why should the emotion too remain. Here, we need to realize the fact that an emotion is a thing which we ourselves are only capable of bringing up or putting out – all at our own will, as per our wish. Others may try, but the real power lives definitely within us. If we allow, it will come in. If do not allow, it is compelled to remain outside. We have to take command of what WE allow in to our heart and mind. Now life becomes interesting. . .
We are faced with a Battle – a totally different type of battle than what we are accustomed to waging thus far. To win this formidable battle, firstly we need to separate our enemies. Because, our stubborn reason/cause and painful emotions have combined forces. To weaken them, we must separate them. Together, they are powerful enough to devastate us very painfully. But individually, we can defeat at least one. Which one? And how? Rely on the medical experts to battle with the reason/cause. You take on the one you have the inner courage to mange – negative thoughts/emotions. Be brave. Here’s one strong way of doing it. . .
Whatever your body condition may be, do not allow negative thoughts to grab hold of your mind or heart. Prevent those negative fear, despair, anguish, distress, anger . . . and the rest of such words to gain easy access, as they used to, into your mind and heart. Do not entertain any one of them. The moment you realize (and realizing is vital) that one or many such negative emotions are trying to force their way in (out of habit perhaps) summon your hitherto hidden courage to prevent their entry – why on earth do you need these miserables anyway! For God’s sake, if you don’t like them why allow them within at all! It may take courage, practice and awareness to battle it out. But if you care enough for your own sake to win that battle, wont your life become thereafter so much better and comfortable? If its for your own good, why let yourself down?
How to do it? Never panic – it doesn’t help you at all . . . never. Be watchful or mindful to realize at the earliest when a negative painful thought or emotion has craftily entered your mind. It may come just a second behind an agonizing body pain, despair or anyone of such habitual things. But, train yourself to realize its presence at the earliest. Once you realize its presence, refrain from feeding it with further negative thoughts/emotions. (Such negative thoughts generally includes self-pity, guilt, remorse, anger, sorrow etc. etc.) Acknowledge its presence, and then let go of it and immediately bring your mind on to some happy or good deed/incident/people from your past, or else some good deed/word/act you intend doing in the near future. It must be a constant battle to outwit the foe. Remember the fact that everyone must die sooner or later. Some die sooner while some die little later. But die everyone must. So, rather than feeling unproductively sorry or miserable about that inevitability, live positively while you are alive. Be a shining example to many others too. This is the greatest victory you can ever achieve. And dear, never forget the unmistakable fact that its those final courageously positive & happy thoughts that will eventually prepare and define your path to those pearly gates beyond . . .”
Welcome back, you’ve been missed x
Thank you. All of your posts have given me insight into my own illness narrative. I appreciate the clarity and perspective you bring into my life. I am glad to hear you too have been experiencing clarity in your life recently.
I was afraid.I was afraid you had left forever.Or decided not to continue with your writing. I was afraid I would never hear from you again. I want to help you in any way I can.It seems the only way
I can do so is to keep you in my thoughts. And so I shall.
Elena,
You are strong and… even in the fog… awake! Thank you for reminding me of when the fog cleared for me, if but temporarily. Was three months into a 6 month protocol for chemo every other week when my liver started to rebel and we postponed a treatment for another 2 weeks. Can remember standing outside of my firehouse… am a firefighter/EMT, here in South Florida, when all of a sudden the world was full of bright color… the sky was deep blue, the trees and grass were deep green and brown, even the American flag was vibrant…. and my head was clear! A dullness… grey casting, if you will… that I had not realized was there had faded away and I was Me. When treatment resumed so did the cloud, but now I was aware within the fog. Metaphorically… before my head cleared it was like standing in the middle of a room full of thick smoke without any landmarks or guide and not knowing I was lost, but after the clearing… and subsequent return of the fog… was back in the smoke, but now on my knees, it wasn’t as dense and I was against a wall. This gave me landmarks which showed how I got there, the layout of the space I was in, and that I would get out.
This May will be 2 years since I completed treatment and am clean. You got this!
For me, it was a sweat lodges between treatments and a lot of prayer that brought me through. My brain doesn’t like to read so much anymore, but I do enjoy reading you. Am continuing to hold space for you in prayer.
Maybe one day… with guitar and uke… we will jam.
Thank you for the beauty you bring into this world. Please continue to walk in beauty as you do!
Jeff
Find Senaka’s four paragraphs and read and re-read them, as they’re the eqivalent of my proffered self-hypnosis prayer: I AM BLESSED, I AM HELPED, I AM HEALED . . .”
“Organic brain psychosis” (( OBP )) refers to right-brain oriented obsession with perceived injustices in the world, giving rise to sublimated hatred/anger; or it may be outwardly expressed by self-harm (( cutting )) and/or breaking things, and which condition invariably causes disease in the body—and/or rage leading to mass murder if one is a politician: Linin, Stalin, Pol Pot, and Mao suffered from OBP, wishing to FORCE fairness on the world via mass muder. Note: Bernie Sanders, Phil Donahue and many left-wing actors suffer some degree of OBP )).
The latest research on root-cause of lymphoma suggests imbalance of gut bacteria. Google “Nexus magazine lymphoma.” BTW, research ” HOT PEPPER CURE” for cancer. That may rid the digestive track of any cancer causing bacterium, allowing you to re-settle a beneficial biosome there. In any case, chemo may be counter-productive.
Go find a park with a large swing set. Take a friend and swing your way to self-healing, physician!
That’s my healing modality. Swinging boosts the immune system. My poem on the matter:
Meditate
Pray
Contemplate
And be as little children:
PLAY!
Welcome back. I am glad you are feeling better and your introspection has helped me and others. I am a MS4 matched into psych, eager to start this summer. I have come here several times to get info without ever posting anything because I considered myself too busy, ha. I thank you for all the education and inspiration you provide.
Hi Elana, do you remember me? Connor and Marie’s mom, from Canada Rd and Palm Circle ?I remember a sweet and smart little girl who loved animals. I have been following your blog for some time, and didn’t want to be a person from the past bothering you. But i can’t resist sending you and your family my love. Cancer sucks. Knowing you as a child, l am not at all surprised to find your grace, courage and spirituality. Love Jeanne
P.S. Most illnesses self-resolve, if given time. // The medical community corralls patients that may have otherwise avoided being captured by a mostly PROFIT-DRIVEN medical system. // For example, swollen lymph glands are a NORMAL responss to an infection. // Too often, a doctor may not fined any apparent infection and begin blood work-ups (( that happened to me, because of swollen glands; but having had that presentation many times over decades, I knew the symptom would-self-resolve—and even though the young and very concerned doctor had me come back again and again to check the white cell count )). // The LYMPHOMA-GENERATED (profit) SYSTEM may be the cause of so many cases, having nearly doubled in 30 years. // One major cause may be LEAKY-GUT SYNDROME, which engages the lymph system. // Leaky gut is diet related (poor diet), especially vegan/vegetarian diets (( lack of B vitamins, trace minerals, and amino-acids )). // L-GLUTAMINE (2000 mg)) on an empty stomach, at bedtime, may resolve leaky-gut syndrome.
Wonderful!
Years ago my mother told me a story about how she suffered from hepatitis C (from a blood transfusion before they knew there was a hep C). Then one day, she was crossing the street and suddenly she stopped and realized she felt normal! She said it would be quite a while before that feeling became her constant feeling, but she was grateful to be reminded of what normal felt like, and it gave her hope that she would have that again, which she did!
Dear Elana,
I stumbled onto your blog completely unexpectedly. I have really enjoyed reading your beautiful and insightful posts. We have a fair bit in common actually – 12 months ago, while working as a second year medical resident in Australia, I was diagnosed with lymphoblastic lymphoma also 🙂 I hope you are doing well and I look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂
I’ve been thinking about you and how you are doing for the last several weeks. Several weeks ago I got a nasty respiratory illness and an abnormal chest xray that totally freaked me out. I have been away wondering about how much my mindset plays into my fear of being ill or my fear of cancer recurring.. just wondering how you manage the fear?
Impressive! Really enjoyed your blog. Wish you a lot of luck!
Love hearing from you, always look forward to your posts. “Glad that I live am I, that the sky is blue”. from an old hymn, not that I am religious but it says a lot.
“the miracle doesn’t awaken you, it only shows you who the dreamer is”
Dear Elana, I’m really not sure if you’ll ever see this message, but it was about 3am last night when I stumbled upon this page. I was lying awake in bed, having a rare moment of being “awake” and not consumed by the fear and anxiety I have been battling these past 8 months. As I lied with my eyes closed, I remembered the story of the Buddha that you’ve quoted at the beginning of this blog post. I felt a longing to read it. I had only a vague recollection of how the story went. So i googled, “I am awake,” and a link to this page popped up as one of the very first search results. So I clicked it and found this very page. I was not diagnosed with cancer, but rather, I was a victim about 8 months ago of an ayahuasca shaman who bullied me during a psychedelic session that I agreed to partake in, in search of healing. It was a night of utter terror that I experienced. When I asked him to take it easy, and that I was scared, he told me to shut up and listen to him. From watching one of your videos about PSTD, I learned that that must be what I am struggling with now. I didn’t know that earlier. I thought there might have been an evil spirit inside of me that followed me home from that shaman. The way that you described shifting states of wanting to die in some moments because the fear and anxiety was too strong, to feeling perfectly normal in other moments, perfectly describes my own experience. And from simply reading your blog posts, I can feel this hope starting to form within me that says that I just might find healing after all. I thought I was trapped in this dark space of fear and terror forever. Thank you, Elana. You write so beautifully. And in your pitiful state of needing physical healing, I can see that the world through your eyes is a world worth enduring for. It seems to be a world that can only be attained from passing through a dark one.