First off, I wanted to say a big THANK YOU for all of your positive feedback and comments about my UCLA Grand Rounds talk. I had so much fun doing it and I’m thrilled my message resonated with so many of you out there!
I also wanted to thank all of you for the support of my Cancer Quick-Start Guide. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, you can download it for free here. I’m hoping this guide will spread far and wide to all the people who could benefit from it. You are all free to share, use, or repost any part of the guide under a CC license.
On to today’s topic.
This past year has been a huge life lesson for me on how to handle challenging life experiences. The most common way to deal with painful experiences is to reject them. We squash down the difficult feelings, distract ourselves by keeping busy, and ask ourselves, “When will this be over?”
The problem with this approach is that pain is a part of life. Part of being human means living a life that encompasses the highest highs and the lowest lows. It is not possible, nor desirable, to string happy moment after happy moment, as if we could prevent anything bad from happening in between.
Maybe you’ll be able to muscle through one bad experience, but then what? What do you do when the next catastrophe strikes? How much of your life do you want to fear? How much of your life do you want to reject?
If we reject all of our painful experiences, we are rejecting a big part of our lives, and a big part of ourselves. We are rejecting the opportunity to learn from these experiences and therefore transform into more evolved people.
Over this past year, I’ve struggled with how to integrate my cancer experience into my life story. While there are moments of serious (physical) pain and discomfort that I just have to muscle through, there has not been a day that does not bring some sort of challenge. I’ve had to learn how to accept these days—the good and the bad—into my heart, with as much compassion as possible.
How do I do this? Thankfully, there are many tools available to us to help transform difficult experiences into opportunities for acceptance and growth.
Practice equanimity
Equanimity is the practice of holding all experiences (the good and the bad) with evenness. Equanimity is the cliff that holds fast in the face of crashing waves. We can practice equanimity by repeating this phrase:
May I accept things just as they are
May I accept myself just as I am
I’ve written a whole post about equanimity here.
Be proactive
Acceptance is not an excuse to sit back passively when there are ways you can better your situation. Examine the difficulty you are going through. What do you need to accept? What do you need to change?
When you identify areas of potential change, create small action steps you can accomplish immediately. This will boost your confidence and help you recognize that you do have power and autonomy over your life.
For example, during one moment when I was having a lot of physical pain, I wrote a list of things I could do to help. It included: Make an appointment to discuss with my pain doctor, go for a walk, sit in the hot tub, get a massage, take a medication, etc. Now when I have pain that feels unbearable, I look at my list and take advantage of the tools I have available to address it.
Find joy in small pleasures
As I’ve said before, the problem is not that there is not enough joy in our life; the problem is that there is joy all around us that we fail to notice. Practice noticing small joys—a good meal, a beautiful sunset, a pleasant breeze, a fun song on the radio.
There are lots of ways to practice bringing joy in your life, including keeping a gratitude journal, getting a “joy buddy” (someone you call, email or text your small joys to throughout the day), and setting a joy intention (put a post-it on your fridge that says, May I open myself to joy or a similar phrase that resonates with you).
Here is a guest post I wrote about opening to joy.
Looking for more guidance?
Are you looking for more guidance on this topic? I have some exciting news for you!
As many of you know, I’ve been talking for a while about wanting to create my own digital course on transforming trauma into spiritual awakening.
This is still in my plan, but given my waning energy levels, realistically this is a project I won’t be able to take on until after I finish the intensive round of my chemotherapy (scheduled to end in December—woot woot!).
However, as I did not want to wait that long to start this project, it occurred to me I could instead create a more limited class to get the message out in the meantime. Enter: my first digital class offering!
Reclaim Your Resiliency: 4 Strategies for Healthy Coping
In this 90-minute webinar-style class, I will review 4 key strategies for how to cope when dealing with a difficult life stressor (whether illness in yourself or a family member, the end of a relationship, life throwing you a curveball, etc…). The class will include 60 minutes of teaching followed by a 30-minute live Q&A.
I won’t just be spilling platitudes—I’ll be teaching specific tools you can use immediately to start feeling happier and more at peace.
Along with access to the live course and Q&A, you will also get a PDF workbook so we can work through the exercises together as I teach.
Not only can you sign up for the class yourself, but you can give it as a gift to someone you know it could help. When you go to pay, next to where you input your email address there is a present-shaped icon—click that and you’re on your way.
The class will take place next Wednesday, September 24th. If you can’t make it live, no worries—everyone who signs up will get a copy of the recording, and you can ask questions via email ahead of time that I can address during the Q&A.
I am very excited to offer this class—it’s a big step forward for me to create something and ask for payment in return. I’m deeply appreciative of everyone who supports me, monetarily or otherwise.
Pain does not need to lead to suffering. While pain is an inevitable part of life, suffering is the unnecessary difficulty we create for ourselves on top of that. We can’t end pain, but we can work to end suffering.
Click here to learn more about the class and purchase your spot!
Want to win a free spot in the class?
I had talked about offering two payment tiers for my upcoming digital course so that ability to pay would not be a factor preventing people from accessing the information that could be helpful to them. I still plan to do that, but with this project, since it is lower cost, and creating two pricing tiers complicates the matter, I’m going to give away 3 spots instead.
How to win your free spot:
Leave a brief comment (not more than a few sentences) explaining why you want to take the class, what you hope to get out of it, and why you need the free spot*. I believe the only person who has the power to transform you is, well, you, and so the more motivated you are to learn and grow, the more likely you will be able to.
I will choose 3 people based on my favorite comments to win a free spot. Make sure to fill out the email address field so I will have a way to contact you and let you know!
*I will be closing comments this Sunday, September 21 at noon, so make sure to get yours in before then!
**Comments are currently closed. Thanks to everyone who submitted a comment!
Click here to learn more about the class and purchase your spot!
***
Photo by Michael Dorokhov
I just signed up for your class. I am hoping to participate live but if not I’m so grateful that I will have access to it. There are some life circumstances happening so this class comes at the perfect time for me. If you are contacted by someone who is desperate to attend but simply cannot afford it, I am willing to pay for 2 people as well. So please let me know if I can help. You have become such an inspiration to me, I am so looking forward to your class. Much love to you!! Susan
Hi Susan, thanks for joining and that’s so generous of you to offer to pay for another’s spot. If you’d like, you could sponsor one of the people who leaves a comment about wanting to take the course and not being able to afford it. Let me know!
Sounds like a great idea to me! That’s what I’ll do!
Dear Elana,
Again, you amaze me! What a great idea to share and give guidance and allow everybody to join this class. Experiencing a pretty bad period in my life I am truly looking forward to it and I just signed up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being such an inspiration for me, every day.
Love from Switzerland
Hélène
I need a free spot because I’m broke from taking care of a girl who is love my life who killed herself two weeks ago when there was just the beginning of a light on the horizon. I just walk around in circles and have no idea what to do but I don’t recently telling me blah blah blah blah blah it’s a process. So I suppose I need a free spot probably would take it because I just don’t care
*Steve has been sponsored by Elana*
My sister-in-law Patti was diagnosed last October with ALS. She inspires me everyday with how she deals with all the challenges she faces. She appears from the outside to be holding it all together, but I can’t imagine what she is going through. Please help her cope with what little time she has left.
Jamie
[email protected]
*Patti has been sponsored by Jessica*
Elana, what a wonderful idea. I am blessed to be in a good place now, I have a daily meditation practice and have reached a place of balance, but it wasn’t without first struggling to find the right tools. Although I won’t be signing up for your class I would love to offer to pay for someone else who might need the course. Is there any way to do that? Your generosity of spirit is inspiring.
My 15-yo daughter was diagnosed with Major Depression over the Labor Day weekend. She was an in-patient at a psychiatrist facility (her request) and spent four nights there. She was released on Labor Day, only to return (her request) on Sept. 12. She’s learning coping skills in the facility, but it would be wonderful if she could also learn from you.
*Laurie’s daughter has been sponsored by Grace*
* psychiatric
Grace and Elana – Thank you so very much for allowing my daughter the opportunity to experience Elena’s “4 Strategies for Healthy Coping”. She won’t be able to watch it live as she has an appt with her therapist at 4:30 on Wednesday, but she’ll definitely be viewing it. Thank you, Elana for putting this class together and thank you Grace for your generous gift.
I want to thank you. After a ten year remission, my best friend from high school (48 years ago!) has breast cancer again. Although she lives several hours away, I was able to spend a week helping her after her initial surgery (double radical, ovaries and lymph nodes). Having received your posts about your own surgery and aftermath, really helped me better understand what she is going through. I am now on “chemo call” and will be going back when she needs me again. How lucky that I am newly retired and able to do this! Than you for sharing your experiences with your readers. I am not requesting s free spot, as I don’t know if I will be free next week, but wanted to thank you for your generosity.
well what can i say i pray. i lost a sister to a suicide. my ex wife died of a drug overdose. my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic 64 hospitalized since he was 20. sound like im exaggerating? unfortunately no. i have 3 adult kids. worked same job 33 years. am i in pain? yes.
My life changed in a single moment, when my house went up in flames. Not only did I lose my home and all I owned, what’s worse is that I lost my 27 year old daughter in the blaze, and my husband burned his hands and was hospitalized for two months. We both retired, had to find a new residence, and try to cope with and overcome all the drastic life changes.
Hi again!
I would also like to purchase a class for the person below. Thanks!
Margaret
My life changed in a single moment, when my house went up in flames. Not only did I lose my home and all I owned, what’s worse is that I lost my 27 year old daughter in the blaze, and my husband burned his hands and was hospitalized for two months. We both retired, had to find a new residence, and try to cope with and overcome all the drastic life changes.
Someone I love is in a time of deep pain and struggle. He has little money, and so much willingness and desire to transform his life. He is gobbling up opportunities to grow, change, understand himself. I am unable to be with him during this time of struggle and pain since a curve ball life threw each of us in a different way has move us to be apart for a time. I am sure that he would appreciate your work and insight. He is a soul seeking man, a lovely person, and someone I love dearly. I will be taking your class. I hope that he will be, too. His name is Matthew. If you choose to give him one of the free classes, I will put you in touch with him.
Thank you, Elana, for all of your sharing. Sally
*Sally’s friend Matthew has been sponsored by Elana*
I’ve been through some quite traumatic events in the past few years. Hell I suppose all of my life, but lately these events have taken a toll on me. I was in an abusive relationship this year, that is the most fresh wound. Although I have already seen the positives in my negative expierence, I also have lost apart of myself along the way. I see myself building walls and maybe not allowing certain opportunities to take hold. I’m terrified to make new connections with people because I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I’ve been following you and your story for close to a year now. Everything you write seriously strikes something deep inside of me. To get a chance at taking the workshop would be amazing. I can’t afford anything extra right now other than the typical bills. (Just got back to work in July) Anyhow- I look forward to hearing more from you! 🙂
dear (heroine) elana,
my 64 year old sister has suffered for over 25 years with progressive MS (only getting worse and worse). recently, as if not enough, she was diagnosed with schleraderma and rhumatoid arthritis. she does the best she can, lives alone (husband deserted her after she became ill) in quebec and her emotional, spiritual health is at an all time low. in a couple of months she will become a grandma for the first time and yet, like she says, “it’s another evil reminder of what i cannot do on my own.” i think that your webinar will help her but i have tried before, sending books, cds, supplements, etc. I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU COULD/WOULD take a moment and get back to me. thanks brave one. ps. you are so “baldly beautiful.” xo deb
*Deb has been sponsored by Tanya*
I would love to give my friend this amazing extra support of the webinar during her recovery of thyroid cancer. Just because I love her to bits!
We have followed your blog together through her treatment, it’s been such a great way for us to open up difficult conversations and I know she would jump at the chance to hear your teaching.
*Kerryn’s friend has been sponsored by Elana*
I went these past few months from being heartbroken by the end of a nearly 30 year relationship to slowly swimming back to the surface. Compared to that, cancer 6 years ago was a walk in the park.
I did not fall into the trap of keeping busy to prevent thinking about it and instead dedicated a lot of time and effort into reading, digging deep inside, working on acceptance and forgiveness, and daily, several times each day make the conscious step of focusing on the joys in life.
And yet I still feel the lack of tools in my toolbox to actively get a stage further, reclaiming power over the remainder of my pain, turning past experiences into strengths. And basically, getting better prepared for the next round of difficulties which will no doubt hit at some point in the future.
Just before reading your message, I got a mail from a friend who just lost his father quite unexpectedly. If I can learn some tools which can in turn help others here in France who cannot read English, then you’ll be helping more than one person and reaching out across cultural borders.
As much as I feel the need for this tutorial, and I know I am so ready to make the most out of it and apply everyday these tools I will learn, I cannot really afford it right now as I am paying for a costly divorce while being out of work. I hope you pick me but if you feel that someone needs it more than me, then it’s a good call.
By the way, thanks again for all that you give us through your posts. I’ll keep sending energy your way until you are announcing that you are out of the woods.
Martine
*Martine has been sponsored by Sue*
martine,
i just want to say that i, too, went through a terrible divorce after 29 years of marriage. 12 years later, life is good. not without issues nor grief, but, very good and whole (my goal was to become whole!) it has been a purposeful climb out of despair and into answering “who am i? what is important to me? what do i do with the rest of my life? how do i take responsibility for my own joy and carpe’ diem?” fortunately, this is an ongoing, life process too. loss can be empowering. it can direct us towards achieving goals we never knew we could dream of. for me, even if given a choice to “return” (and have amnesia so i would not remember all of the drama), i would not hesitate to be where i am at! find good friends and nature and yoga and meditation and exercise and singing and dancing and creativity and helping others…begin anew and not as a victim but as a brand new you whose wholeness is waiting to be claimed. all the best, deb
My husband is recovering from colorectal cancer, I have two kids in college, and I am bitter yet thankful at the same time. I just feel f*%#ed up trying to balance it all.
I need real-life tools to assist me in digging myself out of the depression and inertia I feel trapped in
Hi Elana,
First of all, you are amazing that you can muster up the physical and mental/psychological strength to do this work. That you have the motivation and umph to give of yourself in service of others is Huge.
I would love to be in on this class as this is the work I am so passionate about: how people cope and grow through their adversities. My blog and my monthly interviews are around this theme – https://www.rebuildlifenow.com
I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology and this fits in so beautifully with the whole concept of post traumatic growth, although I understand that this is prior to the actual growth; this is more about the ability to cope and manage through the challenge.
Thank you for offering this course and for giving it away to three people.
I wanted to thank you for your cancer guide. I already made use of it. Frankly, it was the only thing keeping me together during a looooooooooooooooooong wait for biopsy result (six days). The information (though I’d read some of it before) is so essentially TRUE, and, knowing it came from the place it did -your experience and amazing ability to interpret your experiences and express them – I truly felt “cared for” while reading it, despite feeling all alone in the waiting, as I struggled through the ponderances of my mortality. Thank you.
Hi Elana,
I’ve been following your story. This post regarding gratitude, joy and writing down recovery suggestions to yourself resonates with me. These are things I have not been able to master two years out from chemotherapy and I am feeling a slow decline in myself. As we all know, supporting ourselves physically and financially during and after treatment is one tough challenge, there are so many programs we need access to.
Thank you!
I want to learn more about coping with pain because i have a small child who does not understand where my anger comes from when i am in pain. If i could turn these unplesant experiences into something neutral we both will benefit.
Good luck with your class!
I have been chronically ill for 23 years with symptoms continually multiplying in number and with old and new symptoms worsening. Out of money and often willing/wanting to give up.
Your writing is inspirational. I consider you part of my new approach to creating a healing team and part of my deep desire to change how I feel and perceive the world around me. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Miriam,
I hope you get access to this class and it will help you.
Thinking of you,
Tracy
I recently came across your blog while searching for other young women diagnosed with cancer. Thank you – it has been so helpful to me! I was first diagnosed with breast cancer at age 25, did my treatment, and moved on with my life. On my ten year caniversary, I was re-diagnosed with breast cancer, but this time Stage 4, metastatic, uncurable. At 35 years old and my life expectancy greatly reduced, I am struggling to make sense of what all of this means, while dealing with side effects of a treatment that is difficult internally, but leaves me looking much the same externally, giving the illusion I am fine. I would love to take your course free of cost if possible, as I’m coming to terms with not being able to work anymore, at least for awhile. I could really use some tools to deal with the deep grief I am feeling. Thank you for your contribution!
*Jennifer has been sponsored by Jason*
I’m a hard working single Mom raising an incredibly special young man. This last year has been bumpy for us, not insurmountable, but very bumpy. We moved out of our comfortable townhouse apartment due to economics (much lower salary for the last 5 years), and although I work full time and am working on other certifications in order to supplement my income, making ends meet has become a stretch, even with education, work and a supportive family around. My usual strength and fortitude has floundered; I have been depressed and do not hide this from him, thus, the need to re-capture my “former self” has become more necessary now than before. If chosen to participate, I will certainly pay for future courses.
I would not be able to participate unless I can download this course as I work from 9 to 6 Pacific Standard Time, daily.
Thanks in advance.
*Anne has been sponsored by Jason*
I believe I need the class as I want more than to just cope. I hope to survive the aftermath of cancer, the death of my Mom, and wish to continue to be all I was before and better and share the gifts of my Mom. On my recent and last visit I had emailed you prior to arriving to thank you and had hoped to see you to simply give you a hug, not expecting what I came home to experience. Generic, blank words I use, yet dislike, as an easy out from having to be expressive, or perhaps to avoid confronting are coping, I am okay and stuff. I am now just over a week back home in Australia, having been in Half Moon Bay just over seven weeks, with most of that time off work unpaid, due to return to work on 29 September. My work has been gracious to allow me this time and I am so thankful, but I am concerned about how those first days back I will be as I called my Mom every day at 12:30 (7:30pm US) and this is known by all staff. So I write here, now, to ask to see if what you may be able to provide can assist me. Thank you regardless and continue to take care.
Cheers,
Janet
*Janet has been sponsored by Jason*
Hi Elana,
On your blogpost (the one before last) you were offering out free spots in your class and I hope I’m not too late to try out for one.
Your article ‘Love is’ came to me at the exact right time; it was two days before my first ABVD treatment for classic Hodgkin Lymphoma. And since then it’s been bookmarked on my phone. It reminded me that despite the fact my world had been flipped upside down and I lacked stability; one thing was certain – I had love.
I’d literally just turned 22 on Boxing Day and in my final year of my degree – I’m a uk based law (student) – hence why I’m applying for a free spot… And only now I’m through the worst of it and thankfully 3 months in remission am I exploring alternative help, yoga, reiki, counselling etc. as you will know – when you’re being treated traditionally sometimes it feels as though all you can do is sit tight and wait to reach the end of the conveyor belt…
Even if I’m not chosen; i look forward to reading your future blogs and sincerely wish you only the best in all your endeavours Elana.
Thank you,
always.
*Nadia has been sponsored by Jason*
Hello Elana. I am asking to be considered for a free spot in your seminar. I am in deep despair and depression. I’m unable to identify and break the patterns of making unhealthy choices – family, work, health, friends and finances. In spite of having 30 years of sobriety, I am slipping into a deeper depression day by day and a sense of growing futility. I truly want to be a happy, productive person, mother, employee and friend. Please consider my plea. Thank you,
*Alanna has been sponsored by Laurie*
Hi,
My husband of 31 years unexpectedly in 2007. Seemingly healthy, happy, wonderful man took his last breath sitting next to me in our car on our way to an ER because he did not feel well, on that fateful Wednesday morning in January. His death at age 56 sent shock waves through continents affecting family members, friends scattered all over. Me and my one and only 18 year old daughter witnessed our worlds end!! Irretrievably broken by life’s Tsunami! He took care of everything, a walking computer..usernames, passwords..intact. No “will”, no life insurance..no mortgage insurance..We plunged into abyss!
I had businesses to attend to; rental properties to keep up; credit card bills to pay; mortgages to pay..daughter in college..
Failure was NOT an option! I have always known it! My parents had sent me to college in the US at age 18, in 1966!!!
I prayed and meditated NON-STOP!! Stayed in gratitude for what we had.. for where we had been.. for what we have..for the life he had..NOT suffering..endless gratitude to the Higher Power!!
Our hearts shattered into a billion pieces and will remain broken until the end of times. But we survived and emerged successful on the other end!! NEVER GIVE UP! STAY IN GRATITUDE! Listen to Joel Osteen! Before disaster struck, God already had put people in our paths, to assist at the proper times!! It took us 6.5 long years!! Hang in there! I am the” poster child” for what can happen without a warning and for “survival”!!!!!
Thank you.
*Sheela has been sponsored by Susan*
~That moment I looked into three sets of brown eyes I saw something amazing, what matters most and so very important to me…all I have ever wanted or needed in life has only been a glance away~
Kidney transplant (from a total stranger) non hodgkins lymphoma, suicide of best friend, walking away from an unhealthy marriage after almost 18 years; these experiences have made me look at life more closely through “these blue eyes” and realize that I have a purpose in this life, which can be summed up in three words… Joshua, Lucas, and Benjamin <3
Elana,
Is there a way to get a private message to you?
Hi Carol, sure, use my contact page.
Hi Elana,
I have been following your posts for months. I have been so moved and inspired by your story. From your shock, pain, sadness, humor, joy and mainly your truth living with cancer. It has been your truth and honesty that I have been so inspired and blown away by.
I’m a family therapist, grew up in chicago and lived in LA for over 10 years.
I have been a traveler over the years, from living in the UK, to 14 years in Hong Kong and currently living in Israel for the last 12 years. As a therapist I work with clients going through loss and major life changing events……those curve balls in life. I’ve had plenty, who hasn’t!!!
I am not looking for a free spot what I am looking for is the willingness for you to allow me to pay toward the end of the month. I will be receiving a new credit card shortly. Hopefully, sometime this week or next week, via UPS from my bank in Chicago, as that bank has merged with another one. I have only one credit card, so I am dependant on waiting. I want to attend your course.. Would this be possible? It will be helpful to me as I can learn how to become more resilient and hope I can impart your wisdom to my clients.
Your’re amazing…..you sound like such an incredilble, inspiring and fun loving woman.
I will be traveling to the US sometime late October and I will be in the Bay area in November for about a week. Would you be will ing to meet me over a cup of coffee?
My intention is to surround myself at this stage of my life with inspiring, truthful and caring people… buiding a network of special woman. I would like you to be one of them. Let me know if you are open to this. I would be happy to share more about myself in another email….thats all for the moment With love and shalom Keren
Hi Elana,
I would like to sign up for your class. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it live (sad) as I work until 7pm on Wednesdays (est), but I want to do it anyway. Additionally, I’d like to offer payment for one person in addition to me. I rec’d your email about how to handle this, however, I am unaware of who has already been contacted. I’ll let you choose and send me the information, ok?
Much thanks. I can feel the important and good energy behind this class. Maybe a glimmer of an answer to, “Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?”. So they can understand pain in a way that allows them to guide and teach others. Looking forward to the rays of light that shine out of your difficult year.
Whitney