Last week, I posted an article about my very recent experience being diagnosed with cancer. I wrote it from my hospital bed, with IV tubes hanging out of my arm, while watching bad daytime TV on mute. I questioned if it was too personal a story to share publicly, but felt it would be impossible not to. I had no expectations. It flowed from the heart.
Since then, an amazing thing has happened. The article was shared over Facebook and the Huffington Post, in the last few days, tens of thousands of people have visited my blog, thousands have subscribed to follow along with my story, and hundreds and hundreds have left me supportive comments or emailed me encouraging messages. Several dozen emailed me their personal stories with cancer, including other women who had chemotherapy and were still able to conceive children after. I even got an incredibly touching phone message from a stranger in New Hampshire who wanted to offer a few words of comfort.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t tell you how much your support and positivity means to me. It’s brought tears to my eyes to be on the receiving end of such kindness. Wow. Heart touched. Mind blown. People are good.
A few people wanted to know my Jewish name to pray for me (I’m Jewish, but accept all methods of prayer!). It’s just Elana, and my mother’s is Meira.
I also had made a small Amazon wish list that I shared with my friends on Facebook, and couldn’t believe when everything was snatched up almost immediately. I’ve been getting awesome packages all week that have been brightening my day (the mailman thinks I went on some sort of Amazon binge). I will be emailing everyone thank you’s very soon.
I haven’t had a change to respond to any messages yet, but please know how much they mean to me. I almost feel bad for my cancer. It doesn’t have a fucking chance.
I want to write more about what’s been going on, but one of the side effects of the intrathecal chemotherapy (that’s chemo injected through a lumbar puncture directly into my cerebral spinal fluid—yes, it’s just as fun as it sounds) has been throbbing headaches that have kept me mostly on the couch the last 5 days. I will be back soon will an update. Physically I don’t feel great, but my spirits are very high.
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Photo by Parvin
That’s awesome. Glad your spirits are high! Happy new year! You’re right–the cancer doesn’t have a chance!
You are SO right … your cancer doesn’t have a f&^king chance!!! (I usually LOVE the F-word … but my New Year’s Resolution is to use it less, so I think it is too early to break a resolution being that it is 1:19am on January 1st). Sorry to hear that you are feeling crappy … let the chemo do its work … and we will do our work to keep your spirits up!! xoxox deb
Elana, you are an inspiration to men and women alike. You have a strong spirit and you will overcome this. God Bless and thank you for sharing your story
Elana;
M oldest daughter who is in the midst of finishing her fellowship in neuro psy peds shares the same Hebrew name -Meira with you. First time I have seen this coincidence. She is named after my great aunt.
My thoughts and hope for strong recovery are with you. Your sharing and openness are very special.
Thank you for sharing your story. You have no idea how many people you have inspired and touched. God Bless You!!
Elana – I had my “holy shit” moment on Feb. 7, 2013. From day one, I made a decision to share my story – the good (and there was a lot of good), the bad and the ugly. You will get through this. One of my friends said to me early on, “when cancer gets cancer, it calls it ‘Moira’ and it is terrified. ” you are tougher and stronger than this disease. Never let define who you are and how you choose to live your life. You got this. God bless you.
Thank you for the chance to follow your story. There is power in numbers and you can count me in as a supporter!
I wish you health and happiness in the new year. You are truly an inspiring woman. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
Sending lots of prayers, love and hugs!
Thank you for the update Elana. And when you’re headaches subside, I hope you’ll craft another Amazon list. I’d love to offer any small amount of comfort possible.
Sending strong, positive vibes your way.
Fuck cancer! Keep living!!!
Happy New Year! Stumbled upon your article… You truly have such an amazing spirit. You’re in my prayers. Continue to thank God every day for your healing and believe you are with all your heart because you’re going to fight this and win.
Peace and Love
XOXO
Elena- I am so touched by your story, strength and courage. I just finished treatment for breast cancer in October and know how hard this path can be. Stay positive and keep keep inspiring others through sharing your story. It will be one of the best ways to love and empower yourself to take control over your health and situation. You are an inspiration to all and will come through this stronger in the end!
Jill
You bless others with your wisdom. I believe these blessings will return to you in countless ways. I wish you comfort from fear and pain.
Stay strong Elana! Thank you for sharing your updates despite how you are feeling physically right now. Sending you lots of positive vibes! Happy New Year!
I really appreciate your sharing this update. I have shared your story with my Integrative Medicine Class at the University of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine and we hope to reach out to you as class during our residential week starting Jan 12th.
John
You can free yourself by considering yourself to be already dead.
Not to be especially grim but it works for me.
Standing with you- I am one of many people grateful to have found you!
Much love to you, Elana. I am praying for your recovery and continuing excellent health….with babies!
Elana, Getting to know you this morning through through the magic of the internet has infused me with your goodness and hopeful spirit. I hope the universe is just and fair and infuses you with health in return! -Cristy
Elana, Just read your blog. Prayers and blessings for your recovery. You have inspired me in the beginning of my residency and through your blog you have touched my life in a positive way.
Peace and love,
Hugs
Thank you for sharing your story, your feelings, your fear, your strength. And for allowing us to be part of your journey. I am coming up on the 10 year anniversary of my diagnosis with breast cancer. I too was determined to do whatever it took to survive and thrive. Be strong. Be brave. Be scared. Be all the emotions we feel when we are fighting to live. Allow others to help. Allow them to be strong for you when you can’t be. I wish you life.
Absolutely touched by your courage and reflection…praying for you and sending you positive vibes from the east coast. What an amazing woman you are…
Following you and praying for healing. You are an inspiration and God is working through you. I know that’s why I found your blog.
Elana,
I, too, found your story on Huffington Post, and since then I have not been able to tear myself away from your blog. Your writing is personal and beautiful. It is honest and warm and informative. I am so, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I am 29 years old and a two-time cancer survivor. (Leukemia at 12, breast cancer at 26), and today I am happy and healthy and married to a wonderful man. We just started talking about adoption since biological children are not an option at this point. I want you to know there are so many people rooting for you, and you are not alone in your fight. I understand how hard it can be to think of having children after your treatment, but I fully believe anything is possible. Please don’t give up hope. You will get through this and you will have a family, no matter what it takes. That’s what I’m doing. Sending love and healing. All the best in the world, Marjie
Elana,
Thank you for sharing your story. Love that your boyfriend is staying next to you. Whenever my husband and I are in the hospital we don’t leave unless it is together. Hospitals can be very scary. Please keep us posted.
rock on!!!!!!
Love is: My husband Tim’s friend Susie, a pediatrician and professor at a reknowned medical facility, who flew from Texas to Albuquerque (with less than 24 hours notice) the day before Thankgsgiving to be with us while I had the surgery that determined that I had cancer. She is a beautiful, sweet soul who also emphasizes the power of love and listening in what she teaches her students.
My husband and I are musicians and this past spring and summer I set music to several ancient Hindu, Buddhist and Aramaic chants, some of which we recorded and put online. When I was in the hospital recovering from my surgery, Tim suggested I listen to those chants. When I woke in the middle of the night, felt depressed or uncomfortable, or simply could not go back to sleep, I put on my headphones and listened to those chants, inevitably
falling back to sleep before they were done. Little did I know that what I had initially created for others would end up serving me. From now on when I chant the Ramah Healing chant I will chant it for both of us. If you would like you can hear it or see the Sanskrit words and translation here: https://rhythmtemple.bandcamp.com/track/rama-healing-chant.
I loved your ukulele song and sense of humor! I’d gladly send you a pen or serve you a mojito in Nicaragua! Music is such a powerful healing modality. I hope you keep it up!
I admire your courage and vulnerability in sharing your story and hope for you all things good that flow from love. Oh, and by the way, I am adopting your words: “I almost feel bad for my cancer. It doesn’t have a fucking chance.” I’m with you sister!
Dear Elana,
I don’t want to contribute to your headache! So this is only a short message. I only wanted to let you know that I am a faithful reader of your posts here, in France, and I was deeply touched when I read the one informing us about your cancer. But having read your previous post, I know that you are a positive woman with a lot of energy, surrounded by all these people who love you and by all these strangers like me who care about you even if you do not know us. We can’t fight for you but you can rest on us when you’ll feel tired of fighting. We will all be there to support you and cheer you up. As you say, cancer has no fucking chance: you are a fighter, there will be hard battles but you will win this war, of this I am totally sure. So for 2014, I wish you strength and I wish you courage and resilience and next December, we will celebrate your victory over this bloody “crab” because you will crush it and show it who you are! Tonight, all my thoughts are with you from France. Hold on girl, we are with you! Love. Helene
You are a true inspiration. Thank you for sharing your incredible story! It means so much. Sending you love and light <3333
Sending you healthy, healing vibes. You’re so inspiring and I am sending many, many wishes your way. xo
Dear Elana!
I want to thank You for sharing your story! You’re a true inspiration!I found your Posting on Facebook.
I had goosebumps as I read your Post and I wish you the very best! You’ve got an amazing boyfriend and amazing friends and family!!!
I’m sending you a lot of Love from Berlin!
Uta♡
From one member of “The Tribe” to another…get well soon. You’re a mensch. 🙂
I think we stumble across people in life for a reason. Thank you for your inspiration, your words and your strengths. God bless…
Just read one of your blog issues on HuffPost Germany. You’re very inspiring for many people, at least for me… Just got my MS Diagnosis four weeks ago.
We’ve got to keep our heads up! Very best wishes from the bottom of my heart!!!
You’re my new celebrity crush. I have been debating becoming a doctor- either family or psych/neuro…but am so very Eastern in my approach I wasn’t sure traditional md was the way to go…and also after reading the 4 Hour Work Week was insistent on getting out of the rat race. Reading about you was like looking a few years into the future. Perhaps a person can combine all of that, after all! Thanks for being an inspiration. You’ve really affected a lot of people; if anyone is gonna be 1/1,000 my bet is on you. Get well soon!
Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts.
Julie is my chief resident and she had been talking about cutting her hair for a week (and we kept telling her how good she would look s/p trim–and we were, obviously, spot on) for a friend who had been diagnosed with cancer. Then I ended up reading your HP piece totally coincidentally — and realized you are her person at the love is cutting your hair line.
I kept thinking as I read what an incredibly strong and positive person you are. And if our one person in common is any indication–amazing, wonderful people have your back in a big way. Your story and your courage are so moving. Stay strong.
In solidarity,
Clif
Thanks so much for your message Clif. Julie is amazing and I’m lucky to have her as a friend. And I agree, saw a photo of her new haircut and she looks hot! Thanks for your positivity, I really appreciate it.
Stay strong. You are in my thoughts.
Hi Elana,
I read your beautiful and touching article! I’m currently a resident as well and had a family member diagnosed with leukemia. So, I know how hard everything is that you must be going through. But, you have so many wonderful people supporting you and you have such a great personality and positive outlook! I’ll keep you in my prayers and kick cancer’s butt! 😉
Dear Elana;
I was in a VA service elevator, ipadding on my way to a consult. Scrolling Facebook – HuffPo – Love is….. I was halfway through before things started adding up, “UCLA….Resident….Elana….wait, what?” Scrolled to the top – zenpsychiatry, no mistaking it. I’m sure I scared the person riding down with me, I had taken a knee, facepalmed.
You and I met while I was on the interview trail last year, I said I had read your Joshua Tree article (and others) and loved loved loved it. At the applicants happyhour after we talked about soccer and doing more things like writing and moonlighting. You have never struck me as one who is defined by the limits of others, and I don’t expect you will start now.
I came to medicine because of an accident that left me with a crushed C5 and completely paralyzed from the collarbone down. I had nothing, not even sympathetic tone. I struggled with what my injury would mean for my future, or indeed my daily present. I tortured myself with dark questions, like should I lie to my girlfriend, tell her I never loved her and I had cheated, in order to give her permission to leave me? Thankfully, I was patient enough (and recovered quickly enough) that such questions became just another part of growing up. Well, growing older anyway (aren’t we all still kids?). Feeling ice secretly placed in my hand, walking again, my first erection two months later… well lets just say I was glad for a lot of decisions I didn’t have to make.
I was also grateful…and still am.
You will get through this, and better than anyone… I’d wager. And it will become a part of you where you could not have imagined things any different. You will also have the gift, and misfortune at times, to have had conducted some of this while being seen. You are, and will continue to inspire, to teach, and those rarest of things, you will get to see others see you learn abut yourself. This is, however shitty, a beautiful thing that is happening to you. Believe me there are times when I say, “well goddammit I wish I didn’t have to have almost died for that to happen” or when I today deal with arthritis, pain or parasthesias, or look forward to the certainty of repair surgery one day. Sure, not everything is … Ahem….”preferred,” but everything can be used to make something else. Matter is never created or destroyed, it is only moved from place to place.
I can’t wait to see what you make of this.
Don’t forget to write, and especially when you’re altered. Fuck cancer, and love you.
Best,
Matthew
Yes, I remember you! Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story — I had no idea. Thank you so much for your kinda message. Crazy how things like this happen, right? I believe getting cancer was just one of those shitty, random things that can happen, but I think about what meaning and purpose I may be able to find in it.
I hope all goes well for you. I read your post about your diagnosis and the support you recieved and it took me back to my sister in law. We never fully realise how much those around us care for us and I am so happy that you have such support as she did. Get well, rest up and remember though you may be sick now dont let it stop you from enjoying the little things.
Hello!
Did you hat Thema article in huffingtonpost hast eben translated into german? I”d like Tor wellcome you in the Club ob survivers!
I was diagnosed with a melanoa they said I gott 2 years, that’s now 17 years ago.
I learned a Lot and now Im happy andere healthy. Your positive spirit will help you!
Take care
Andrea Form germany
get it, elena. you can do it.
Just read your story on Huffington Post. Just knew a long-standing friend has got a cancer. A serious leukemia. She just started with chemio hoping she will get better soon to have a bone narrow transplantation. She is fighting for her life. She is so weak at the moment and she cannot receive visitors. Basically, she stays alone all day long.
I am enough familiar with english to read your blog and wish you all the best. At least, I can try. Unfortunately, she is not able to read and understand english. It’s a pity! I think you could be an inspiration to her.
Coraggio!
Elena,
I wish you all the best in your fight against cancer! We are praying for you from Cleveland, Ohio!! My wife is a psych nurse at a local hospital and it takes a special sort like you and her to take care of people who most of the time are misunderstood and can’t help themselves! I truly wish you all the best and will be looking forward to more updates!
Good luck and God’s Speed!
Jim P.
I too thank you for your bravery..
..sharing your journey of fighting is an inspiration to the ones of us who wish you peace along your way..
Thank you!
Annette
Elena,
Your story helped me so much . I was diagnosed for the second time with cancer on December 10, 2013 pleomorphic liposarcoma. I had gone through a diagnosis of stage 4 non Hodgkin lymphoma bone cancer back November of 1996. I did eight months of chemotherapy and no one was able to tell me how would affect my fertility. I now have three boys ages 15,11, and 10. You are a fighter and you have such a strong support system. I have much more support and love this time around too thanks to technology. If you need anything feel free to email me.
You you are an inspiration….and a rock star. Kick cancer’s ass!
Elena, thank you for sharing you story straight from the heart and your hospital bed. From one survivor to another, bless you, keep up your good work, and know you will feel well again. Sending light and love.
There are so many struggles, physical and mental to endure….but you are truly an inspiration and I know will get thru this. I am a high risk ob and when you are all better can tell you about all the tragedies I’ve seen result in beautiful babies. But first you must focus on you…..you are your child right now. Nurture her and fight for her with all your might……..sending you love and prayers……Tracy
The first post I ever read by you was the one you shared about being diagnosed with Cancer. Your writing is beautiful and powerful. I am amazed by your strength and courage, and can’t wait to see you kick this Cancer in the ass.
Keep those spirits up!
I just finished my chemo last week and a positive attitude matched with an incredible team of family, friends and medical staff got me through.
I always saw myself as the one who would beat the odds – and, I did! And, you will.
Bless your shining light! I laughed and gasped and teared up reading your last few posts…. and I’m humbled to have shared those few moments with you in your world 🙂 I will follow your journey with love and anticipation for the ass-kicking you are about to unload on the beast!
Elena – just read your other post. Keep up the fight. I realize this is a n of 1 and not cancer. But I feel compelled to write that I had stage four endometriosis. It was so bad when they found it the surgeon also (much to his delight) had to fix a hernia too. I now have two beautiful children running around. One of them has defied the odds of being a surviving twin that was born at 1 lb 10 oz. This child, who is now 21 months old, is running and was discharged from speech therapy in December. I just want you to stay strong, beat this thing, and know the future will take care of itself.
Much love to you!
Your story and thoughts were very enlightening. You can say that I did read it just in the right time. I’m currently in the BMT unit. Completed my bone marrow transplantation and I’m now in the neutropenic phase waiting for my immune system to rebuild again. I was very stressed and your words made me return to my positive thinking and remember the Love surrounding me in all shapes. Thank you for sharing your story and good luck for all of us.
Hi Elana,
I’m praying for you too. Thank you for sharing your story. Be well dear one.
…and, you get love. You inspired me, too!
https://www.livinglola.com/2013/12/31/inspiration-for-2014/
Lots of good people sending you good thoughts, prayers and love!
Hi Elana,
I found you through the Huffington Post article. I am a 7 year survivor of lymphoma. Know that I am thinking of you and love your positive attitude. Feel free to email me if advice from someone who’s been there could help.
-Andrea
First, thank you for sharing your story. Second, my heart goes out to you more than you know. Thirdly, I wish with all my heart that everyone would have the experience and chance that you had. The expedited testing, the love from unknown, treatment as an emotional being and not just the diagnosis, chances at collaboration with the best MD`s and more. As an RN it is difficult for me to see how much health care is really medical care and that we have a long way to go.
Love and positivity kicks cancer’s ass. I know because that’s how my husband and I kicked his….twice. If the lymphoma comes back we’ll do it again. Live everyday to the most it can be, no regrets. Stay strong special one, your message is helping so many…
Elana, I read your blog on the huffington post and to be brutally honest I cried my eyes out. I’m an operating room RN in NH and cut out cancer every day. I see patients mostly in an anesthetized state and try to remain as detached mentally as possible. I am compassionate toward them but try not to get involved because it breaks my heart and it will show. Reading your innermost feelings and personal struggle inspires me just want to give you a hug and tell you you will help not only yourself but so many people in your situation. I try to tell people to slow down, cherish life and moments that go by so fast but you don’t really get it until something so detrimental happens. Stay strong for yourself and for those people you have touched. Thank you for sharing your life with us. One person can really make a difference. You are one of those people Elana. Do something that makes you smile every day and before you know it those days will turn into months anf you will be finished fighting and continuing on living.
Elana, I read your blog on the huffington post and to be brutally honest I cried my eyes out. I’m an operating room RN in NH and cut out cancer every day. I see patients mostly in an anesthetized state and try to remain as detached mentally as possible. I am compassionate toward them but try not to get involved because it breaks my heart and it will show. Reading your innermost feelings and personal struggle inspires me to just want to give you a hug and tell you you will help not only yourself but so many people in your situation. I try to tell people to slow down, cherish life and moments that go by so fast but they don’t really get it until something so detrimental happens. Stay strong for yourself and for those people you have touched. Thank you for sharing your life with us. One person can really make a difference. You are one of those people Elana. Do something that makes you smile every day and before you know it those days will turn into months and you will be finished fighting and continuing on living.
Elena, thank you for sharing you incredibly personal journey in the diagnosis of your cancer. I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog on the Huffington Post and was moved to tears. Thank you for sharing.
I cried when I read your post. You are such a bright light in this world and are an inspiration to me. I know you’ll beat this.
Wishing you the best!!! I have been going back and reading through your blog posts… you have so much good advice that has been very timely for me in my current situation.
Hi Elana,
I heard about your diagnosis through other Menlo Alums, as I’m not a huge Facebook follower.
I was astonished to hear about your cancer, but love reading your updates and to see your optimism. You will be in my thoughts. I hope 2014 brings nothing but better things 🙂 I’ll definitely check up on ya more! 😉
With love, Phannie
i think you’re absolutely amazing. i think you have already changed lives simply by sharing this – you’ve changed mine. i think in the years to come we’ll be reading this blog having a hard time believing you experienced this b/c you kicked its butt so hard! thank you for being so candid – it takes guts, major guts! praying for you!
Hi Elana,
I love your blog and your posts! I’ve been trying to update whenever I can. I’m really happy to know that you are well surrounded to fight this mofo cancer!!!
I read about your headaches above and just wanted to let you know about this amazing resource that I heard about: using homeopathy to help with chemo side-effects. It’s something I learned recently and thought that it was pretty awesome, just thought I’d share.
Take care!
Myriam FT